Beauties, I hope all is well, and you’re prospering. Me? I’m still promoting my book, this blog, and my youtube channel. **sighs** Plus, I work full-time. Ugh! Send positive thoughts my way. I definitely need them and will appreciate them.
I have found an interesting relationship question from Dear Prudence at Slate magazine. I’ll put the link to the site below. The question reads:
I have been dating a wonderful man for about a year and a half. In many ways, it is the best relationship I’ve ever had. He is sweet, generous, and attentive, and we have so much fun together. But he has a young daughter and we have been taking it slow. Recently, we started talking about our future and moving in together. I mentioned that my biggest fear is that I might decide someday that I want to have more kids, and that he wouldn’t. As a 37-year-old woman, I am hyperaware that time is running out to have biological children. After taking some time to think about it, he told me that he is sure that he never wants more kids, and that he hopes he and his daughter would be “enough” for me.
Oh…it gets better. Look at this.
A few weeks ago, he casually mentioned that he scheduled a vasectomy and asked if I could give him a ride. I was so shocked and hurt that I just shut down and didn’t say anything about it at the time. Two days before his appointment, I finally let go and told him how much it hurt that he was making this decision as an individual and not discussing it as a couple, and that if he went through with the procedure, it would likely mean the end of us (for a variety of reasons). Unsurprisingly, he went through with it. In my hurt and grief, I told him I didn’t think there was any way to work through this and ended things. He apologized for hurting me but maintains that he made his decision for himself and doesn’t see how it impacts me or changes anything.
Now that I have had more time to process everything, I am still hurt but questioning the finality of my own decision. I love this man and his daughter and was so excited for our future together. I have always been uncertain about motherhood for myself, and it was my life with him that made me think I might want to experience all of the joys and chaos of pregnancy and raising a baby. So my dilemma is whether I should get back together with him and acknowledge that fantasy will never happen but our life will still be lovely, or break up and acknowledge that at my age it’s unlikely that I will meet someone new and be ready for a baby in the few remaining years I have left. Is it worth exploring a reconciliation even after the deed has been done? Or do I need to cut my losses and move on, as much as it hurts?
There is so much to dissect in this question. I don’t know where to start. I guess, first, I will say that at 37 years old, you should have a clear idea on whether or not you want to have kids. Because, like you said, time is ticking if you want to have a biological child. Once you were certain, this should have been discussed when you and your boyfriend were first dating. Now, here it is, a year and a half later, and the prospect of having kids with him is off the table. It seems like he has been certain of his feelings all along. You should have expressed your uncertainty sooner. A year and a half later, you’re emotionally invested. A simple conversation between the two of you a year and a half ago could have answered your question.
But… coulda, woulda, shoulda.
Let’s talk about now (a year and a half later). He had a vasectomy. (Yes. I think it was horrible that he asked you to take him, knowing how you felt about having more children.) It’s his body! He can get a vasectomy if he wants to. He does not need your permission. So, you broke up with him, which is a good thing. I say that because: YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT! He is certain about what he wants and what the future looks like. You are not. Breaking up was a good idea. Take this time to figure out whether or not you want a baby. Be certain of it, once you make your decision. You cannot continue to be indecisive about this and expect a man to just wait on you to make up your mind. That is so selfish.
Please, don’t string this man along. He has a child who is probably becoming attached to you as well. She does not need inconsistency. So, if I were you, I’d take time to myself and figure out what I want. If you decide you don’t want to have children, maybe he’ll still be single and you can pick things up again. If you do decide you want to have kids, he has made it very clear about what he wants, so move on.
If any of you have a question you’d like for me to answer, please email me at AskJanaLeigh@gmail.com. Thanks for your support. Don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe.
Question came from Slate magazine. You can click this link to see the article: https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/03/roommate-keeps-buying-junk-food-dear-prudence-advice.html
Wow! I’m speculating right now, sounds like they didn’t discuss at the beginning of the relationship what goals she had in mind for the future. Then he decides (without her say, red flag) that he does not want anymore children (even though she stated she did) and has a vasectomy. I understand she is still hurt but she definitely needs to find out what she truly wants, find a man that wants the same things out of life like she does and go from there. She closed that chapter, now it’s time to start a new one. Life goes on sweetie. I whether have learned some lessons from heartache (dodged a bullet) than to be begging a man to be a sperm donor.
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