My grandmother knows I’m gay and keeps asking when I’m going to find a girlfriend: I’m a 26-year-old gay man who came out to his family 10 years ago. While the reception wasn’t great at first, my family has since come to a place of acceptance. The problem is my grandmother (who comes from a conservative religious and cultural background) won’t stop asking me why I don’t have a girlfriend almost every time I see her. She even talks about how she hopes she’ll be around to see me get married and have children. I know she’s fully aware of the facts; my mother has since told me she turned to her for guidance back when I first came out. Up until now, I’ve been telling her I’ve been “too busy” to have a girlfriend, but I feel ridiculous lying when the truth is already known. It breaks my heart that I have to pretend with a woman who, in many ways, is my second mother. Should I come out again, to her specifically? Or should I hold my tongue? I don’t want to cause her any undue pain, especially since I’m afraid she won’t be around much longer.
Dear Prudence from 1/20/2016
Honey, your grandmother is being a sh*t stirrer. From what you have said in the letter, she is very aware of your sexuality. She just doesn’t want to accept it. That’s not your problem. You cannot control other people’s behaviors or thoughts. She obviously wants you to be straight. You’re not. She needs to get over it. I think her behavior is very rude and disrespectful. You should definitely speak with her.
What I would do is meet with her privately and let her know how her comments make you feel. Let her know that you love her and would like to have her support. Due to her religious beliefs, she may not accept your sexuality. If so, ask her to stop asking those silly questions that she already knows the answer to. If she is hurt by your sexuality, that is something she has to deal with, not you. Sexuality is like race. You cannot change it. People can either accept you as you are or move along. If after talking to her she still asks these silly questions, just be honest. Like you said, everyone in your family knows already. There’s no point in lying. You’re already out of the closet. There’s no point of jumping right back in.
Good luck to you.
~Jana Leigh
Readers, I know you all have something to say about this grandmother. lol
**Photo credit: matadornetwork.com
Ask Jana Leigh 
As a bisexual man, I would think that there is no point to discussing the matter with granny. Granted, there isn’t enough information, to tell if grandma is going senile either, so there is that…
On the other hand, Prudence is obviously concerned that grandma may not be with us much longer and it seems as if Prudence feels the need to be accepted by grandma – that may not occur. Yesterday I had a revelation about acceptance: Sometimes acceptance means accepting that some people are not going to accept me the way I am; it doesn’t mean I have to love them less, but it does mean I don’t need to allow them to influence how I love myself.
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So if he does not confront her and let her know how he feels, should he just keep lying when she asks these silly questions in front of everyone?
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Oh I did not mean to imply that he should lie…but simply not engage in any conversation, and that’s dictated by grandma. I think it would benefit him to simply remind her that he is never going to have a girlfriend, but there is no need to engage in something she is not going to accept.
For example, I’m an alcoholic in recovery, and there are people in my family who can’t accept that I’m an alcoholic because I didn’t end up face down in a gutter someplace. If they don’t want to accept that about me, that’s okay…I don’t have to engage in a conversation about how I was “only depressed”, because I know that I am an alcoholic. (Granted, it’s a horrible analogy because I’m not meaning to imply homosexuality is a sickness like alcoholism)
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So your family will accept that you were depressed but won’t accept that you’re an alcoholic? Wow. Families can be frustrating. I know mine is. More power to you.
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I can only control my self, and yet I’m finding a greater need for advice from others, because life is lonely when you do it on your own.
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Just don’t become too dependent on others. You have to be happy with yourself. I’m learning this lesson now. I was lonely for a while. I was on every dating site imaginable. I never met anyone worthwhile. Now, I fill up my days doing things I love. I feel so much better.
Is there a support group in your area?
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Absolutely! I’m sitting in one right now…hehehehe!
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Cool!
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