I LOVE Dr. E. Jean! She is my fave advice guru. She is the one who got me interested in advice columns in the first place. I love her wit and her truthfulness when giving advice. One day I hope to be as great as she is.
Here is a question she answered in her column with Elle magazine on 12/24/15.
I’m a pretty, smart girl who’s gone through shattering, horrible, tragic heartbreak because of a man I absolutely adored. After I spent half a year getting to know him, then a year and a half in the gawdawfullest part of the South trying to develop a relationship with him, he unceremoniously dumped me. I came to my senses, moved back to New York, and began a new career. My problem? He is flying in for business and has asked me to dinner.
I’ve thought endlessly about what I’m going to wear, revved up the diet and exercise, imagined all sorts of ridiculously expensive restaurants he might invite me to, but I (honestly!) don’t indulge any grand fantasy of him saying: “I was wrong; I’m moving here to be with you. Marry me.” My question: Should I even bother spending an evening with this man? And if I end up seeing him, do I play it cool? Or should I be all sugar, like I normally am? I really want him to eat his heart out! Clearly I’ve lost all perspective. —Slightly Over the Edge
Here is the link if you want to see what she said.
Dear Slightly Over the Edge,
I can’t even believe you’re entertaining the thought of seeing this man again. He is just proving that he can have you any time he wants. Seems to me like you’ve already decided to go have dinner with him. I mean… you “revved up the diet and exercise.” **blinks** So, now that that question has been answered. What should you do?
- Don’t get drunk. If you do this, you will end up in his bed. Before you meet him, have a 1-2 drink rule. Keep the rule no matter what he says. You can do this. Be strong. If he gets drunk, cut the dinner short and leave. You don’t need to put up with that.
- Keep the conversation light and fun. Don’t go too deep into Memory Lane. This will dredge up all sorts of feelings. Before you know it, you’ll be under his spell again. Meanwhile, he’ll be off to his next adventure. You deserve better. Keep telling yourself this over and over if you have to.
- Don’t stay out all night with him. Have a 2 hour (maybe 3) limit to this dinner. Then tell him that you have to go. Make up some reason you have to get back home, such as hitting the gym early, deadline at work, meeting up with friends for brunch. Have this reason worked out ahead of time. If you stay out too long with him, he’ll think you’re desperate. Then he’ll talk you right into his bed. You don’t want that. He’s a loser, remember?
- Keep the good bye short and sweet. I love Dr. E. Jean’s suggestion: “You kiss him goodnight in front of the restaurant; you jump in a cab, slam the door, wind down the window, throw him another kiss; and, as he stands throbbing on the sidewalk, you zoom away—gloriously, gorgeously indifferent.”
What do you guys think? If it was up to me, I wouldn’t even bother seeing him.
**Photo credit: montagehotels.com
Number 4 is very silly “advice” when she would like a “Love in the Afternoon” type ending, and is afraid of it ending up like Number 1 which then would lead only to self-loathing, and who needs that? The best answer is Number 0: Don’t answer, don’t reply, don’t respond. Never put yourself in a position where you risk feeling uncared for, especially if you’ve already had the experience of being hurt this way before. And, if Number 4 IS what she really wants, then stay at home with pint of good ice cream and watch the movie, even if it makes you cry a little bit.
She is dead set on going as you can tell from what she’s said in the letter. Keep in mind that this guy is a loser. She does not need to be with him. She should definitely do #4.
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Bon voyage! But: if you’re going to go that route, I’d have the dinner and tell him right then and there how “unceremonious” he was when he dumped, drop the napkin on the plate after whatever palaver or not comes out of his mouth, and then leave—if I scene seems imminent, do the ole restroom scene and slip out the back Jack(ie).
Or… tell him that you’ll meet him. Then not show up. While he’s waiting, text him saying “Sucker!” LOL That would be so wrong. I’d never do that, btw.
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So wrong, but so nice 😉
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