I have no plans of ever getting married. It’s just not for me, but I do encourage others to get married if that is what they desire. I read a great article on Huffington Post Women discussing sex issues couples complain about. I would like to address each one individually. You can find the full article here.
1. Neither partner will make time for sex.
“This couple both worked from home. He liked mornings, she preferred evenings. In all seven years they’d been together, neither suggested a bedroom sex date. The fact that this morning type and evening type never compromised shows it was a power struggle, not simply a sexual preference.” — Laura Watson, marriage and family therapist and the author of Wanting Sex Again – How to Rediscover Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage
Sex is great and wonderful. When you have sex with someone you love, it’s amazing. With that being said, why wouldn’t you want to have sex with your partner? If your partner is being a jerk, then I can understand that, but come on…. If you’re with a good partner, then make time to make his/her toes curl. Sex should be fun and enjoyable. I would suggest having sex coupons.
2. Fetishes are laughed off or totally disregarded.
“I rarely hear husbands complain about a female’s sexual fetishes and demands, but women will complain loudly when the men request things they simply can’t take seriously. One wife told me her husband wanted to dress like a French maid and serve her tea while she demeaned him and that she simply couldn’t sexually engage after having taken part in such a scene. This request wasn’t made until years into the marriage and it became increasingly important to him. Unfortunately, when people get somewhat outrageous with their sexual demands, it can be a dealbreaker.” — Becky Whetstone, marriage and family therapist
lol This is a bit crazy for me. The demeaning part, not the French maid part. If your partner wants you to wear stockings and high heels, at least try it. Now, if he wants you to punch him and kick his balls, I would be worried. Fetishes are not “normal” sexual activity, but they can be fun sometimes. Just keep an open mind, but definitely speak up if it is something completely outrageous. Remember sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable.
3. There’s a breakdown in intimacy after an affair.
“After her husband cheated on her, his wife used sex as a weapon to punish him for many years before they came to see me for help. She says she has forgiven him, but lost her sexual desire toward him. I asked her if she would be willing to let him please her and she agreed and now he gets aroused pleasing her and she has her sex drive back.” — Ava Cadell, certified sex therapist
An affair is devastating to a relationship. Some relationships don’t recover from it. The trust is gone. The sexual desire is gone. The person who was cheated on probably took a hit in the self-esteem department. I don’t know if I could work through all of that. I would really have to be in LOVE to stay after an affair. I don’t have much else to say on this one. If you and your partner can work through all of that, more power to you.
4. The marital bed becomes the family bed.
“When children are invited to sleep with their parents routinely, there is virtually no time or place for the parents to have sex.” — Bonnie Ray Kennan, marriage and family therapist
I had to put a stop to this last year. My bed is MY bed. When bedtime comes, you go to your bed. It was hard to do, but you have to just stay firm. My child cried for a good week after I told her to sleep in her own bed. Now she’s fine with it. I am so glad I did that. Parents need their own time to talk, cuddle, joke around, play, and have freaky sex. lol Adult time is just as important as Family time.
5. The dog is in the bedroom all the time.
“A couple slept with two large Labrador retrievers at the foot of the bed. The dogs were said to register great ‘disappointment’ when they were ushered out of the bedroom. Therefore, there was very little sexual activity.” — Bonnie Ray Kennan
Same goes for pets. At bedtime, you go to your OWN bed. lol One of my cats had a difficult time with that. He used to sit outside my bedroom door and meow at odd hours of the night. He’s fine now. The trick is to completely ignore them when they do that. Don’t even yell at them to hush. That’s still attention. Just ignore. They’ll stop.
6. Less effort is put into looking sexy.
“Men tell me they get turned off from sex when the lingerie-clad sex siren they married starts to only wear flannel pajamas.” — Carole Lieberman, psychiatrist and author of Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live with Them and When to Leave Them
Girl, you better bring out that inner sex kitten and wow him at least once a month. It’s worth it to see his eyes get big. Maybe wear the sexy lingerie under your regular clothes and give him a peek throughout the day. Flash him.
7.Couples aren’t upfront about their sexual preferences.
“Sometimes gay men will say they’re a top or a bottom to land the guy they want. Then after it loses its luster, one person in the relationship is not willing to fake it, so to speak, and they find out they’re two bottoms (more often than not) or two tops.” —Billi Gordon, neuroscientist The David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA and relationship expert
I’m all about honesty and being up front about things. This includes sexual preferences. If you don’t like your bunghole played with or penetrated, you better speak up. It may be a dealbreaker for the other person, but at least you won’t be doing something that you are totally against. It will make you feel cheap and used. Just be honest. There is nothing wrong with telling the truth.
8. Sexual signals are misinterpreted.
“Several couples have said they rarely or never had sex because neither knew how to let the other know of his or her interest. (I wonder what’s wrong with, ‘Hey, honey, let’s!’) One man completely missed his wife’s signal of her interest in having sex: When she said she was going upstairs to ‘bed’ he heard nothing more than that she was sleepy. (And then they both wondered why they rarely had sex.)” —Isadora Alman, psychotherapist and certified sexologist
lol This one made me giggle. I’m an introvert and a bit shy. Openly asking for sex is hard for me to do. It’s silly, I know. However, texting what you want to do is just as good. Just make sure you are texting the right person. You don’t want your Uncle Joe calling you to ask what did that text mean. Ha! Slip your partner a sex coupon. Give your partner a playful swat on his/her butt accompanied by a wink. Flirt!
9. Exhaustion or busy schedules get in the way.
“One sexual distancer I’ve heard from a spouse? ‘I’m too tired and too busy’ — and yet the person exercised 11 hours a week (three aerobic classes, two tennis lessons, weights and personal training)!” — Laurie Watson
Scheduling “Sexy Time” may sound boring and rehearsed, but it does not have to be. It will give you both something to look forward to, especially during a hectic week. If you need to, schedule a quickie. Take a long lunch and make out with your partner in a car. Meet at a hotel during the day and break the headboard or play little sex games (sex dice). Make things fun and spicy. Sex does not need to be boring.
10. Sex becomes perfunctory or too by the book.
“My practice is in Arkansas, in the Bible belt area of the U.S, so it’s not unusual to encounter those whose conservative religions have directed them into believing that sex is for procreative purposes only, and must take place under perfunctory conditions only — heaven forbid that you would enjoy it too much. Coming to a secular counselor for this group happens because nothing else has helped.” — Becky Whetstone
Speaking of being boring in bed…. If you use the same 3 moves EVERY time, you are not satisfying your partner. There is no way. You have to try new things and be open-minded. Tell each other your fantasies and try to act them out. Hell! Bring in some sex toys. There is nothing wrong with that. The objective is to please each other, so if sex toys work, then go with it. It is not anybody else’s business what goes on in the bedroom between you and your partner.
Now, you all get out there and get busy!
~Jana Leigh
*Photo credit: cosmopolitan.com and carriagebeforemarriage.com
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