I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now and everything seemed to be going great. I’m 32 and he is 46. Most recently after one of our trips 1 month ago I noticed his ex-wife started to contact him more, “always something about the kids” Background- They were married 12 years and divorced now about 6 yrs. They have 2 children together, 22 and almost 17. I don’t have a problem with the communication because they are parents but why do they need to talk nearly every day. His kids are clearly old enough to reach out to their father if they need him. I too am divorced but I don’t talk to my ex-husband. If I have to talk to him, it is mostly through text or I am handing the phone to my child. I don’t need to speak to him constantly nor do I want to because my child is old enough to do that. He is 12. This is really making me uncomfortable but each time I try to say something it starts a huge argument. He made the statement that “if I want to be back with my ex-wife trust me I can”; I have been distant since then because I have been hurt in the past and that made my guards go up.

I feel that if we are trying to build a future we have to set boundaries and I want to be respected as his woman not a pyt. We both are too old for games. I am not a woman who is going to compete with an ex or any woman because I know my worth. I don’t want to give up on a man who I can see a future with but I feel like my 4 months with him can’t compete with their history and I rather give up than to have my heartbroken again.
What should I do?

You can find this on the Strawberry Letter Archive.

I’m probably going to make some readers upset about this, but I don’t see anything wrong with what the boyfriend is doing.  He has been divorced for SIX YEARS.  Clearly, he does not plan on going back to his ex.  They do have older kids together, but kids at that age can be hard to handle.  There maybe something going on.

The Ex may be jealous of his new relationship with you, but from your letter, I don’t see him chasing after his ex.  Don’t take his statement too seriously when he said, “If I want to be back with my ex-wife, trust me, I can.”  Most men are not great at being reassuring. Communication is not a man’s strong point, especially during an argument.  Plus, your relationship with him is so new, I would just put this to the side for now.  I don’t see any hard evidence of cheating.  So put those insecurities aside and continue dating him.

Good luck.

~Jana Leigh

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