Dear Future Husband…

Dear Future Husband…. You’re late!  I expected you years ago when I had a hot body and more energy.  I needed you years ago before I met a string of losers.  Now, I’m just mad and bitter.  Jaded even.  No man wants a woman who is bitter.  Why didn’t you show up sooner?  You sure are taking your time to find me.

Future Husband, I needed you.  I needed you to kill all of the huge spiders that cross my path.  Don’t roll your eyes at me!  Spiders can kill you.  Quit laughing and be serious.  I needed you to fix things around the house or change the oil in my car.  Right now I have to pay someone to do these things.  I need a husband to do it.  Can you at least take out the trash?  Where are you?  I need you to carry these groceries in the house.  They are heavy, you know.

I heard that a man loves a woman who can cook.  Well, here I am learning how to cook, and you’re no where to be found.  What am I going to do with all of these recipes?  I’m not going to cook for just any man.  I want to cook for my husband.  Now, hurry up and find me.  Women do not like to wait.  Oh, you don’t like to wait either?  Well, you need to learn to be patient then.  Don’t rush me.  That’s just rude.  How can you treat your Future Wife like that?  **rolls eyes**

Future Husband, I don’t mean to “toot my own horn,” but I will be an awesome wife.  I will be loyal, faithful, obedi… well, flexible.  Sex will be given anytime you want it.  Umm… unless it’s during one of my TV shows or if I’m not feeling up to it.  Future Husband, you will be the head of the household, so I expect you to make good decisions.  Otherwise, I will be forced to step in and put you in your place (even if it’s in front of your friends).  Don’t worry.  That will only make us a better couple in the long run.

Future Husband, I will love you forever.  Well, unless you cheat, which I will not tolerate at all.  I better not catch you looking at another woman.  I will snatch your eyes out and roll them on the ground like dice.  You wouldn’t cheat on me though.  I am an awesome catch.  Oh Future Husband. Where are you?  I’m lonely.